Friday, September 05, 2008

Why I won't run for President of the United States

This tongue-in-cheek post, another silly attempt at humor, was inspired by a young girl's explanation of why she would refuse the vice-presidential nomination. Until I read her post, I had no idea that she was even up for consideration.

Yes, my dear three readers, you are reading it here first. I will never seek to be elected as President of these United States. Shocking news, I'm sure. Just so that I will not be inundated with three emails all beseeching me But why not? let me give my reasons now:

1. If I were to become president, that would force me to begin ordering my husband around and usurping his authority. Because, of course, we live in a dictatorship, where the president is able to exercise direct and unlimited authority over every single person in our country. Checks and balances? Hah! No, being president is like being the complete boss over everyone. Since I don't think I should be in authority over my husband, I simply will have to refuse any position that would force such authority upon me. (Hey, and quit quoting that verse about wives having authority over their husbands' bodies. Read the whole thing. Husbands have authority over their wives' bodies, so there! Besides, everyone knows that wives really have no authority, not even some sort of mutual sexual authority. Quit being such a feminist. Sheesh.)

2. If I were to become president, I'd have to go on TV and be photographed. A lot. And, frankly, I think that's immodest. It's wrong to be the center of attention. Next thing you know, I'd be worrying about my hair and make-up and clothing, instead of my adornment not being external.

3. If I were to become president, I'd have to speak. In public. And everyone knows that the Bible says, "Let the women be silent" and "I do not permit a woman to speak." (What? You claim that's only about church? Oh, so now you're into some sort of situational ethics where you only have to obey God when you are in a church service? How convenient!)

4. If I were to become president, I'd have to travel. And everyone knows that travel is a sin for women. Proverbs 31 does not say anything about going. It is all about staying --- staying home. The field that woman bought? How do we know it wasn't already in her own backyard? How do we know she didn't send a trusted servant to conduct the business transaction for her? I'm sure she could have sent a man...no, oops, she couldn't have, because that would mean she was exercising authority over him! She could have sent a single woman to buy the field, providing she could find some rebellious woman who worked outside her father's home, and yet could be trusted with real estate transactions. OK, let's go back to the buying the backyard field theory...

5. If I were to become president, no one would know what to call my husband. The first gentleman? The first spouse? The first dude?

6. If I were to become president, it would be really like my husband, the elders in my church, my pastor, and every Christian man becoming president instead of me, because I'd have to submit to them in every decision. That's just too confusing. It's a lot easier to submit to all of them when it comes to raising children.

7. If I were to become president, I'd have to select a vice-president. And that would be wrong, immoral, and adulterous. Because everyone knows that the vice-president is really a help meet for the president --- a role that only a wife should fulfill. So, whether I picked a man or a woman, it would be...icky and wrong. I couldn't even pick my own husband, because I'm supposed to be his suitable helper, not the other way around. This just proves that only men are to be presidents, because they are the only ones who are allowed to have help meets. And only their own wives are supposed to be their vice-presidents.

8. If I were to become president, my children would have to appear with me in public. Or not. And either option would be wrong.

9. If I were to become president, I'd have to have state dinners. And that would pose all sorts of quandaries. Would I, as the hostess, be sinning if I didn't cook for my guests? Would I be sinning if we had a dance after dinner? If I danced with other heads of state, would that be sinning? Who would lead?

10. If I were to become president, I'd have to fire the White House cook. And I really don't like firing people. But everyone knows that if a wife doesn't cook for her own family, she is not providing for them, and that makes her worse than an infidel.

11. If I were to become president, I'd be in the horrible position of having to serve all sorts of masters --- my husband, the elders in my church, my pastor, every Christian man (see #6 above) along with everyone who voted me into office, the members of my political party, the House, the Senate, the entire country and everyone else I promised to serve and/or be accountable to. And that's just wrong. I'm only supposed to serve one master --- my husband. Jesus said so himself. (What do you mean, He was talking about serving God and mammon/money/materialism? What sort of post-modern feminist are you? I suppose that next you'll be saying that you don't believe the Bible is the inspired Word of God!)

12. If I were to become president, that would make me the Commander in Chief of our military. And that would make me a soldier. I'm opposed to women in combat, so how could I serve in this capacity?

13. If I were to become president, I'd have to meet with other heads of state. Since most of them are men, that would be wrong. I shouldn't be running around meeting other men and having long conversations with them. Plus, what if we were trying to negotiate something? It would be wrong for me to exercise authority over a man, so I'd have to submit to him. And that could be bad for our country. So maybe I should only meet with female heads of state. Except then, I'd be asking them to submit to me instead of to their husbands. And that's wrong.

14. If I were to become president, I'd be expected to give important speeches. And that would be very wrong. See #3 above. Plus, some man might accidentally learn something from one of my speeches. And then I'd be teaching him --- something the Bible forbids. (What do you mean, the Bible is only talking about authoritative teaching roles in the church? What kind of feminist claptrap is that? Didn't you read #3?!)

So...not matter how my country may beg and plead me to reconsider....I'm sorry, but I simply cannot serve as your president.

Pssst...it's a joke! A parody! But yes, you may recognize some of my reasoning from other places on the internet...don't worry, it's only the the extreme fringe that would agree with such arguments; most Christians have a far better understanding of God's Word.

Slight edits for additional clarity and humor.


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8 comments:

  1. This is very funny! Thanks! I enjoy reading your blog.

    Kim

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  2. I think you probably have more than three readers...... I though it was funny!

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  3. Looks like I'm #4.

    This was funny and well done.

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  4. This made me laugh out loud. I found you from Tulip Girl's blog.
    You've got to let us read the explanation that started this...

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  5. Rebecca for President!!!!

    This was great. I loved all of them but #1 really highlighted the ridiculous arguments that go like this "Palin is not biblically qualified to be a Vice President....". They go on to state that she will be in authority over her husband and that just can't be.

    I would like to know what sort of authority the VP exercises over individual citizens?

    They truly do not know how the US government operates in order to make such a statement.

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  6. ROFL!
    My one year old daughter and myself had a good, hard laugh reading that. My sides are hurting. You are guilty of making me laugh out loud, which is sin for a woman (she ought to laugh down low, gently, remember)

    Thanks!

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  7. OT. . . Just checking in on you. . . it's been awhile. Hoping all is well with you and yours.

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