Setting the record straight

As a martial arts and self-defense instructor, I am continually surprised at a number of the myths that people present as facts.

One of the newer myths that some men are attempting to perpetuate, without any sort of proof (because there is none) is that women are just as violent as men, and that women abuse their spouses as often or more often than men do. I just ran across this on the Bayly Blog:

The violence and victims literature tells us women are every bit as violent as men, and lesbian couples are the most violent of all. Even when asked to report on prior heterosexual relationships, lesbians report their present homosexual relationship to be more violent than any prior heterosexual relationship.

No footnotes, of course.

A quick Google search turned up the following:

According to the U.S. Department of Justice, between 1998 and 2002:

• Of the almost 3.5 million violent crimes committed against family members, 49% of these were crimes against spouses.
• 84% of spouse abuse victims were females, and 86% of victims of dating partner abuse at were female.
• Males were 83% of spouse murderers and 75% of dating partner murderers
• 50% of offenders in state prison for spousal abuse had killed their victims. Wives were more likely than husbands to be killed by their spouses: wives were about half of all spouses in the population in 2002, but 81% of all persons killed by their spouse.

  Matthew R. Durose et al., U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 207846, Bureau of Justice Statistics, Family Violence Statistics: Including Statistics on Strangers and Acquaintances, at 31-32 (2005), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/fvs.pdf

In a 1995-1996 study conducted in the 50 States and the District of Columbia, nearly 25% of women and 7.6% of men were raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or dating partner/acquaintance at some time in their lifetime (based on survey of 16,000 participants, equally male and female).

Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence, at iii (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

Sexual Assault According to the National Violence Against Women Survey:

• Women are more likely to be victims of sexual violence than men: 78% of the victims of rape and sexual assault are women and 22% are men.
• Most perpetrators of sexual violence are men. Among acts of sexual violence committed against women since the age of 18, 100% of rapes, 92% of physical assaults, and 97% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men. Sexual violence against men is also mainly male violence: 70% of rapes, 86% of physical assaults, and 65% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men.
• In 8 out of 10 rape cases, the victim knows the perpetrator. Of people who report sexual violence, 64% of women and 16% of men were raped, physically assaulted, or stalked by an intimate partner. This includes a current or former spouse, cohabitating partner, boyfriend/girlfriend, or date.

  Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 183781, Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv (2000), available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/183781.htm

• Another national survey found that 34% of women were victims of sexual coercion by a husband or intimate partner in their lifetime.
  

  Kathleen C. Basile, Prevalence of Wife Rape and Other Intimate Partner Sexual Coercion in a Nationally Representative Sample of Women, 17 Violence and Victims 511 (2002).

The National Women's Study, a three-year longitudinal study of a national probability sample of 4,008 adult women (2,008 of whom represent a cross section of all adult women and 2,000 of whom are an over sample of younger women between the ages of 18 and 34), found:

• 13% of adult women had been victims of completed rape during their lifetime
• 22% of rape victims were assaulted by someone they had never seen before or did not know well.
• 9% of victims were raped by husbands or ex-husbands.
• 11% were raped by fathers or stepfathers.
• 10% were raped by boyfriends or ex-boyfriends.
• 16% were raped by other relatives.
• 29% were raped by other non-relatives, such as friends and neighbors.

  See Dean G. Kilpatrick et al., Rape in America: A Report to the Nation (1992); Heidi S. Resnick et al., Prevalence of Civilian Trauma and PTSD in a Representative National Sample of Women, 61 J. of Consulting and Clinical Psychol. 984 (1993); Dean G. Kilpatrick et al., A 2-Year Longitudinal Analysis of the Relationship Between Violent Assault and Substance Use in Women, 65 J. of Consulting and Clinical Psychol. 834 (1997); Kilpatrick et al., Rape, Other Violence Against Women, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder: Critical Issues in Assessing the Adversity-Stress-Psychopathology Relationship, in Adversity, Stress, & Psychopathology 161-176 (Bruce P. Dohrenwend ed., 1998); Dean G. Kilpatrick, Rape and Sexual Assault, Aug. 7, 2006, http://www.musc.edu/vawprevention/research/sa.shtml

11% of lesbians reported violence by their female partner and 15% of gay men who had lived with a male partner reported being victimized by a male partner.

Patricia Tjaden, Symposium on Integrating Responses to Domestic Violence: Extent and Nature of Intimate Partner Violence as measured by the National Violence Against Women Survey, 47 Loy. L. Rev. 41, 54 (2003).

• One survey found that same-sex cohabitants reported significantly more intimate partner violence than did opposite-sex cohabitants. Among women, 39.2% of the same-sex cohabitants and 21.7 of the opposite- sex cohabitants reported being raped, physically assaulted, and/or stalked by a marital/cohabiting partner at some time in their lifetime.
  

  Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at 30 (2000), available at www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

• 15.4% of same-sex cohabiting men reported being raped, physically assaulted and/or stalked by a male partner, but 10.8% reported such violence by a female partner.
  

  Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at 30 (2000), available at www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

Physical Injury and Medical Treatment

• The U.S. Department of Justice reported that 37% of all women who sought care in hospital emergency rooms for violence-related injuries were injured by a current or former spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend.
  

  Michael R. Rand, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 156921, Violence-Related Injuries Treated in Hospital Emergency Departments, (1997) available at www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/ascii/vrithed.txt

• Women are significantly more likely than men to be injured during an assault: 31.5% of female rape victims, compared with 16.1% of male rape victims, reported being injured during their most recent rape, and 39-42% percent of female physical assault victims, compared with 20-25% of male physical assault victims, reported being injured during their most recent physical assault.
  
• 35.6% of the women injured during their most recent rape and 30.2% of the women injured during their most recent physical assault received medical treatment. Approximately 21.5% of male victims of intimate partner physical assaults that resulted in an injury sought medical treatment.
  

  Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 183781, Full Report of the Prevalence, Incidence, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv (2000) available at http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/183781.htm; Patricia Tjaden & Nancy Thoennes, U.S. Dep't of Just., NCJ 181867, Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, at iv (2000), available at www.ojp.usdoj.gov/nij/pubs-sum/181867.htm

Ninety-two percent of women who were physically abused by their partners did not discuss these incidents with their physicians; 57% did not discuss the incidents with anyone. Additionally, in four different studies of survivors of abuse, 70% to 81% of the patients studied reported that they would like their healthcare providers to ask them privately about intimate partner violence.

Panagiota V. Caralis & Regina Musialowski, Women's Experiences with Domestic Violence and Their Attitudes and Expectations Regarding Medical Care of Abuse Victims, 90 S. Med. J. 1075 (1997); Jeanne McCauley et al., Inside 'Pandora's Box': Abused Women's Experiences with Clinicians and Health Services, 13 Archives of Internal Med. 549 (1998); Lawrence S. Friedman et al., Inquiry About Victimization Experiences: A Survey of Patient Preferences and Physician Practices, 152 Archives of Internal Med. (1992); Michael Rodriguez et al., Breaking the Silence: Battered Women's Perspectives on Medical Care, 5 Archives of Fam. Med. 153 (1996).

From: "Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998"

• Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend each year to 4 million women who are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners each year.

• While women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes overall, women are 5 to 8 times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner.

• Violence by an intimate partner accounts for about 21% of violent crime experienced by women and about 2 % of the violence experienced by men.

• 31,260 women were murdered by an intimate from 1976-1996.

• Females accounted for 39% of the hospital emergency department visits for violence-related injuries in 1994 but 84% of the persons treated for injuries inflicted by intimates.

Over 500,00 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year.

5.3 million women are abused each year.

1,232 women are killed each year by an intimate partner.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women.

Women are more likely to be attacked by someone they know rather than by a stranger.

[from the American Institute on Domestic Violence]


I have no idea what "violence and victims literature" Tim Bayly is referring to, since he does not actually cite any, but this unnamed "literature" cannot be credible if it contradicts the most reliable sources.

As for the article referenced in the Bayly Blog: What sort of man, instead of calling the police, instead of leaving his wife, would sign "a contract with his wife that entitles her to attack him once a week"? Why not sign a contract that entitling him to live free of attack from her? Why not go to her kung fu sifu and demand that she not be allowed to misuse her martial arts? Something about this story is very fishy indeed...almost as fishy as the unsubstantiated statements Tim Bayly makes about domestic violence.

This post, along with my entire blog, is copyrighted. Please read and honor the copyright notice at the bottom of the sidebar. Thank you.

Speaking the truth in love

Seem familiar?

All will be well

Yesterday and today, I viewed two different videos with poignantly beautiful messages. If I were to combine the themes of both together, it would be this: our Father God wants to tell each one of us, as He carries us through our personal storms, "I love you...we're going to make it...I know the way home...surrender...surrender and let me carry you...all will be well!"

My friend Mike knew that. He would talk to me of surrender and brokenness...of his "Precious Saviour"...of grace...ah, grace!...and of glorious freedom, not just freedom FROM but freedom TO...and always he would hammer home truth, truth, truth...and how beautiful and wonderful that truth is!

That's why, at the end of his life, Mike could be so calm and could even joke. He was that sure. As he had told me at least once, "I'm a nobody...but I know Somebody." And Mike knew -- he knew with every brain cell of his vast intellect and every fiber of his very being -- that it was grace, all grace. Salvation? All grace! Sanctification? All grace! Anything at all good in us? All grace! Our eternal hope? Grace upon grace!

That is what Mike taught: grace, grace, grace. It is what he lived and breathed. It is what will be sung at his memorial service. It is grace that took Mike home, into the very arms of his Precious Saviour.

I know that all is now well for the man who considered himself a big brother to a number of us. All is well...and someday all will be well for us too.

Enjoy Jesus, Mike, enjoy Jesus.

See you forever.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Just a nobody from Texas

That's what he would call himself. When I met him online, he was pastoring a tiny little church in some little Texas town. But he was one of the smartest men I know, with a mind that would never forget anything.

The first few things I found out about him is that he loved Jesus, loved his family, loved teaching, had a special place in his heart for mothers and babies, and was hilarously funny. Eventually I found out he had put together a lengthy series of lessons from the Bible dealing with a certain topic in a way that infuriated me, scared me...and then set me free from a lifestyle and church that was sucking my soul -- and the souls of my family -- dry.

It sounds trite and corny, but this man changed my life. Sometimes I'd tease him that he ruined my life. I'd say, "Here I was, happily living a life of crushing rules and regulations that I kept failing at, until you came along and ruined my life with all your talk of grace, freedom, and joy."

I only met him once in person, but it was one of those unforgettable visits that our family still talks about, over a decade later. He and his wife became "Uncle Mike and Aunt Marilyn" to our family. We fell in love with their adorable baby boy. We spent a lot of time talking and laughing. They felt like long lost family.

Just a little bit ago I got the news: "Mike has been promoted to Heaven." I can't help but think that Jesus greeted him with the words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant. Enter now into the joy of your rest."


-- Posted from my iPhone

Prayer Request

If you've read any of my "Fall to Grace" posts, you know about the pastor from Texas who sent me his lesson series on law and grace. A few of you know him as well.

Right now, this special man, who referred to himself as "just a nobody from Texas" needs your prayers, as does his wonderful family. Please hold them up before the Throne of Grace.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Yes, it's been a loooooong time

A quick update...

1. My husband's health is much, much better. Despite the surgeon's ominous prediction that there would be no return of pituitary function, he now has almost full function. The endocrine system is doing great, except for a slightly sluggish thyroid. This is a huge answer to prayer, and I am thankful for all of you who prayed for us.

2. Life has been busy. At times it has been both sad and stressful. I wrote, months ago, about "deep waters". While the waters are not quite as deep as they were, and we're not spending as much time in them, they're not exactly shallow yet either.

3. We are part of a wonderful fellowship of believers. I can't begin to describe what a blessing they has been. Did I mention that these people are wonderful?

4. Life has not been all stress and work. We've carved out time for fun and relaxation too, and made some hilarious family memories...and a few are even captured on video.

5. Coffee is good. Still. Always. That is yet again proof that the natural order of the universe is still intact.

6. I saved the best for last: Offspring #3 (aka, "the strapping young man") is ENGAGED!! But it gets even better. He's not just engaged to anyone; he's engaged to a terrific young woman that people can't seem to say enough good things about. We love her! Is that cool or what?

This post, along with my entire blog, is copyrighted. Please read and honor the copyright notice at the bottom of the sidebar. Thank you.

Sam

Today is the 5th anniversary of my brother Sam's death. This blog entry was slightly modified from something I wrote soon after losing him.

What do you say about someone you could never have imagined living without? Sam was always there, since my earliest memories. He was more than a big brother; he was one of the biggest influences in my life.

Sam was my teacher. He helped teach me to read, taught me to play with Legos, taught me to fish, to ride a bike, to climb trees, to cook creatively and adventurously, to do all sorts of fun and wonderful things. But he taught me so much more---to enjoy reading, and to have a bizarre sense of humor, and to be who I am today.

Sam was my protector. and defender. He fought off bullies and, when they got to me before he could stop them, Sam was quick to execute justice on my behalf. I always felt safe with Sam. He wasn’t just my bodyguard; he protected me emotionally as well. He was all a big brother should be.

Sam was my hero. As a little sister, I thought he was simply amazing---brilliant and capable and strong and brave. I still think that, especially after watching him fight his own personal “Battle of Helm’s Deep”---his courageous struggle to conquer his insidious cancer.

Sam was my friend. Not just a friend, not just a good friend---for many years, he was my best friend, the one who knew all my childish secrets, the one I could depend on without fail. As children, we were so inseparable and so bonded that we even invented our own language. As adults, we shared an apartment and enjoyed each other’s company so much that people sometimes thought we were a married couple.

Sam brought a tremendous amount of joy to my life. He could make me laugh like no one else could. I could talk for days---no, for the rest of my life---about all the fun adventures we had over the years. In our adult life, Sam and his wonderful wife Joan gave me the great joy of being an aunt to three of the most terrific, beautiful children in the world: Brendan, Emily, and Quentin.

Sam also, to be honest, broke my heart. The first time was when I was three years old, and he refused my proposal of marriage. Everyone who knows Sam knows he wasn’t perfect. I don’t think Sam ever intended to hurt me in any way, but when you really love someone, heartbreak is unavoidable. And now...while my heart is still seemingly broken beyond repair at losing my wonderful older brother five years ago, I know that in the end, God will wipe away every tear from our eyes, and we will be together forever in a glorious place where there is no more sorrow, no more cancer, no more goodbyes, no more grief, and no more death. See you forever, Sam. Thank you for being such a wonderful big brother. I’ll never forget.

This post, along with my entire blog, is copyrighted. Please read and honor the copyright notice at the bottom of the sidebar. Thank you.

Happy Birthday, Youngest Child!

Great news! It looks like half my children will be coffee drinkers. Youngest enjoyed his first coffee, a mocha from my favorite coffee place. He even liked my capuccino.

What a wonderful guy. Hard to believe my baby is 12.


-- Post From My iPhone

She lives to post again

Sometimes real life has a way of interfering with life on the internet. There's been a lot of that going around lately.

And sometimes it seems as if there is nothing much to say. And there's been a lot of that lately too.

I'm hoping that, on the other side of all this stuff going on, that maybe I'll have a whole slew of posts about how, yes, His grip on me really was way, way stronger and more sure than my grip on Him. And maybe I'll even be able to share a little bit of what that looked like.

This post, along with my entire blog, is copyrighted. Please read and honor the copyright notice at the bottom of the sidebar. Thank you.