Growing in grace

The title of this must-read post may sound a bit mundane, even trite, but it is the most powerful and real post that I've read in a long time. Don't miss it.

In many ways, it offers a well-needed addendum and balance to my "Fall to Grace" series (see sidebar).

Someone once told me that we never really begin to understand grace until we become mothers. Those with empty arms and hearts often taste its fullness and bittersweetness all the more.

Christian Liberty

Pastor Mike recently posted this elsewhere, and it seemed such a wonderful and important follow-up to my "Fall to Grace" series, that I asked his permission to repost it here:

Olivia wrote: “I wonder if you, Jen, or anyone else here willing to do so could direct me to a site that explains the concept of Christian liberty…. What does Christian liberty mean, and where can it be found?”

Olivia, you have asked the $64,000 question! It is this question that has driven my ministry for the last twenty years. I am not aware of what sites out there might address this issue, but I would like to address the question as briefly as I can. To really explore the subject would take several chapter-length posts, and I can’t do that. I will try to be as succinct as possible, and that means I won’t be able to flesh out all of the comments as I wish I could. I will try to organize my comments, so you can use them as a springboard for further study on your own.

First — what does the word “liberty” mean? It is the Latin-based synonym for the Old English-based word “freedom.” It has many meanings, but the primary meaning in most contexts is this: “not restricted or restrained by external control, interference, obligation, restriction, hampering conditions, etc.; the power or right to do, think, speak, etc., according to choice.”

This is the foundation of the meaning of “Christian liberty.” It is to be unrestricted by certain controls and powers that once did restrict the person who was not a Christian before. The Gentiles were controlled entirely by their sin nature. The Jews were sinners too, but they were also under the control of the law [GAL. 3:24: “The law was our ‘paedagogos’ — meaning “nanny” or “warden”].

According to the Bible, the Christian has been set free from both of these things. While we still struggle with sin, we are no longer slaves to sin. We are “free” from that total dominance of the sin nature. We now have the Holy Spirit, and a new nature.

In addition, the NT is full of the idea that we have also been set free from the “yoke” of the Law of Moses. We are “free from the law,” “delivered from the law,” “not under the law,” “children of Sarah, and not of Hagar,” and much more. Both Paul and Peter refer to that old law as a “yoke.” Paul calls it a “yoke of slavery.” In Colossians 2 he says that it “stood against us, contrary to us.”

So Christian liberty sets us free from both the control of that old law — and the automatic condemnation OF that old law — and the control of the sin nature. We are not compelled to follow the Gentiles into their debauchery, nor are we compelled to follow all the rituals and regulations that were designed to set the Jews apart from everyone else.

We are also free from condemnation — “There is now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus.” There WAS condemnation under that old law. In fact, 2 COR. 3 even refers to the 10-C, specifically, as a “ministry of death and condemnation,” and contrasts that with the new ministry of “life and righteousness” in the Spirit.

So we are free FROM some things — free from the domination of sin, free from the law, and free from condemnation. But we are also free TO some things: We are now set free to have a direct relationship with God, through Christ, and not through the mediatorship of human priests. We are all priests, in that sense, because we all now have direct access — boldly — to the throne of grace. And we don’t have to sacrifice animals all the time in order to gain that access, because our access is guaranteed by the once-for-all sacrifice of Christ, our high priest.

So we are free to approach God without fear of condemnation. We are free to know God intimately, and not as a far-away, stern, condemning authority, but as our “Abba” — which means “Papa.” Christ is our elder-brother, and God is our “papa” in a special sense. This is why Paul, in Ephesians, says that “you were once were far off have now been brought near.”

We are free to relate to each other differently, as well. We can accept differences and allow each other the freedom of our own convictions — and we can help each other with problems and we can counsel, and pray, and support, and exhort, and admonish, in the Lord — because we are a family. “You which are spiritual should bear the burdens of the weak.” There are dozens of commandments in the NT that explain to us how to relate to “one another” and work out this new relationship.

We are also free to make our own decisions, based on the wisdom found in the scripture, and with the wise counsel of mature Christian friends. We ARE “free to choose” in many areas that the OT Jews were not free to choose. They had rules to follow, and those rules were to be strictly enforced. But our rules are very simple and most of them are general, leaving it up to us to apply them specifically. “Love your neighbor as yourself,” and “submit to one another,” and so many more commands — give, support, pray, help, forgive, etc.

To sum up: We are free FROM the dominating power of sin, and from condemnation, and from the old law. We are free TO relate to God in a new and intimate way, to relate to each other as family, and to make our own decisions, within certain broad parameters.

The Law of Christ tells us that we are free to choose, within those broad parameters. Genuine Christian freedom means that God has given us the ability and the right, as mature adults, to make our own decisions — as long as those decisions are bound by the moral law of God.

How are we to handle such freedom? Some people fear it. They love their legalism. They love all those rules. They feel safer that way, the same way slaves felt who were afraid of taking care of themselves. But while freedom can be dangerous, and scary — the yoke of slavery cannot be compared to it. AND — this freedom is what Christ died to give us.

We handle this freedom responsibly by heeding Paul’s and Peter’s commands — and by learning HOW to relate to each other IN this freedom. We are commanded not to judge each other over certain matters that are not biblically required — and to not allow them to judge us over them, either; we are commanded to voluntarily limit our own freedom for the sake of a weaker brother who may be influenced by us; and we are commanded to stand up for our freedom in the face of “Pharisees” who seek to steal that freedom from us and put us in bondage.

Make no mistake. You WILL have to fight mightily against those who seek to steal your freedom in Christ. Unless you are prepared to do so, you will be dragged back into bondage. Finally — we are commanded to use our freedom to serve each other in love, not to indulge our own fleshly desires.

There are so many scriptures that speak to this. Let me just close with a few of them:

JOHN 8:36: If the Son makes you free, then you are free, indeed.

ROM. 6:18: Being made free from sin, you become the servants of righteousness.

ROM. 8:2: For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.

1 COR. 8:9: But take heed lest by any means this liberty of yours become a stumbling block to them that are weak.

1 COR. 10:29: Why is my liberty judged of another man’s conscience?

2 COR. 3:17: Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.

GAL. 2:4: And that because of false brethren unawares brought in, who came in secretly to spy out our liberty, which we have in Christ Jesus, that they might bring us into bondage.

GAL. 4:31: We are not children of the bond-woman, but of the free.

GAL. 5:1: Stand firm in the freedom for which Christ has made you free, and do not become entangled again in that yoke of slavery.

GAL. 5:13: You have been called to freedom. Only — do not use your freedom as an occasion to indulge the flesh, but by love serve one another.

JAMES 2:12: So speak ye, and so do, as they that shall be judged by the law of liberty.

1 PET. 2:16: As free, and not using your liberty for a cloke of maliciousness, but as the servants of God.

All of those passages, and many more, deserve much fuller discussion. I encourage you to seek it out, and immerse yourself in it. The liberty that Christ died to give you is so precious, that it deserves our constant attention, and care, and defense. And legalists hate that freedom with a white-hot passion — and if you stand up for it, they will hate you, too.

Fall to grace: Aftermath, part 10

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6. Links to the entire series can be found on the blog sidebar.

Now what?

I knew I was taking a risk in finally posting online the whole story of my "fall to grace". I thought of just posting Part 6, the "condensed version", since that was what I had posted publicly before. But, for several years, I had felt that God was urging me to share more of my journey. Several recent events, emails, and other online conversations indicated strongly, at least to me, that now was the time.

It has been such a blessing to me the way that God has used this series of posts to encourage and minister to others. I'm grateful for those who have encouraged me by posting their comments and by emailing me.

When I was deciding how to tell my story, I was tempted to take a more theological approach. But, frankly, there are those who can do --- and who have already done --- this much better than I possibly could. I was also tempted to write it less personally, more guardedly, more "safely". But then I decided to let the story tell itself, to share my journey as openly as possible. After all, it is an intensely personal story. I hoped that the value in telling it was worth the risk.

Knowing that my journey has resonated with others, that readers have found encouragement in my words, that we have all been encouraged to focus more on Jesus than on our own feeble efforts --- ah, that has made it all worth it.

But I also knew, in writing something both so personal and controversial, that there would be much room for misunderstanding. I expected accusations of antinomianism; surprisingly, these have not come yet. I expected that those who still believed and lived as I once did would probably not react with enthusiasm to my story. I expected that some readers would not understand what all the fuss was about, and why I dedicated so many posts to this one topic.

I didn't quite know what to expect from my readers who also know me in "real life". Some walked through this journey with me, and felt that my telling of the story was long overdue. For some, it was like a "trip down memory lane". Some who didn't know me "back in the day" still rejoiced over my finding greater freedom in Christ.

But the response has not been all positive. I've been accused of studying and reading too much --- an accusation I find interesting since I am almost ashamed to admit how little I have studied over the past few years. Yes, I studied intensely eight years ago, but I have hardly kept up that sort of pace since then.

I've been accused of not focusing enough on Christ, and this is something I take very much to heart. It is, I cannot help but admit, entirely true. I do not practice His Presence as I should. I do not pray without ceasing. My walk with Him consists of too much stumbling, too much standing in one place, too much balking, too much foot-dragging, too much running off in wrong directions. As one of my favorite hymns says, I am "prone to wander...prone to leave the One I love". May He "take my heart and seal it". I am so thankful that He is sanctifying me; my efforts are so inadequate. May I turn my eyes more on Jesus. May I walk more closely with Him.

In addition, I have been accused of self-righteousness. May it never be. May I always remember that the only righteousness I have is the righteousness of Christ. Mine is but filthy rags. God forgive me when I forget this.

Friends, pray for me. My journey is far from over. I want to fight the good fight and run the race with endurance but, as those who know me know all too well, I am weak. I can only hope that Jesus will give me the strength I need, that He will carry me, that His grip on me will never fail.

I believe there is much value in our redemptive stories, especially when we try to tell them to the glory of God. Over the past few months, I've caught new glimpses of the journeys that some of my friends and acquaintances have been on since we hung out together back in the day. God has brought many of us to a place of greater freedom in Him. Some of the roads we have taken have been rockier than others. I would encourage all my fellow travelers on this journey towards Jesus --- all of those who follow Christ --- to share your redemptive stories. You never know how your story may bless someone else, and how the telling of it may be used by God in your life as well.

Fall to grace: Aftermath, part 9

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6. Links to the entire series can be found on the blog sidebar.

What has happened in the eight years since my fall to grace?

It has been an interesting journey. In fact, in many ways, it has been quite an adventure. Along the way, I've discovered several things:

1. Walking in the Spirit, or by the Spirit, is a day by day sort of thing. It's not just something I can decide to do one day and assume that I'll just automatically be doing it from then on.

2. I am easily distracted and prone to wander. Christ should be my focus, but it is easy to get off track and to start walking, not by the Spirit, but by my own efforts. And then there is always the danger of legalism or licentiousness.

3. God loves me, and His love is amazing and overwhelming. Because I am in Christ Jesus, I am not in any sort of condemnation. I love my children whether or not they are obedient; even more so, God loves me no matter how I "perform" as a Christian. His acceptance of me is based on Christ alone, and it's all grace. Grace is amazing. It's scandalous. Real grace will always make legalists angry, because it is so...undeserved!

4. People aren't God. Their love is imperfect. They still condemn. They still judge. I may feel all free and accepted as a child of God --- but that does not mean that people will accept me. Instead, they will tend to see my many faults and quirks and will struggle mightily in trying to love me despite all that...and they will often find that task overwhelmingly daunting! (This sounds so obvious, but it was actually a huge blow to me when I was reveling in my new-found sense of acceptance to God only to discover that other people who loved me were not as accepting.)

5. Walking in freedom does involve stumbling. At least it did for me.

6. The Christian life was never meant to be "safe". Just re-read the book of Acts if you doubt this.

7. It's important to hold on to the essentials of the faith firmly and to hold everything else very loosely.

8. It's better not to have "pet doctrines". It's best not to be too loud and firm in my opinions about disputable matters, because then God will no doubt see fit to change my mind completely and publicly. While these sort of about-faces are probably good for my sanctification, and often good for a laugh, I've grown tired of them.

9. All the rules and standards and convictions and non-optional principles in the world won't help you when the rubber hits the road. They have nothing to offer when it comes to grief, death, tragedy, or suffering. Jesus never fails. When I can no longer hold on to Jesus, He holds on to me.

10. Fellowship with fellow Believers should be more about Christ than about whatever external stuff or theological nuance is important to me at the moment. When the Bible talks about "like-mindedness", it is not talking about clothing fashions, nap schedules for babies, being "Truly Reformed", what sort of job the husband has, what sort of job the wife has, where the children go to school, what music one listens to, what computer one uses, etc., etc. Like-mindedness involves being like-minded in Christ, not in fads, not in externals, not in extra-Biblical practices, not in standards, not in convictions. True Christianity is far more about Christ than it is about us.

One thing for sure: despite all the ups and downs, life has been a lot more of an adventure, a lot more exciting, and a lot more fun since my fall to grace!

Fall to grace: Aftermath, part 8

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6. Links to the entire series can be found on the blog sidebar.

What does it mean to walk in or by the Spirit?

Subject: Rambling thoughts
Date: 4/12/99 12:32

Mike, there's a lot I've been mulling through lately. Part of it had to do with what you said recently the whole Law/Grace thing impacting the heart, deep down...and how once the heart gets straightened out, everything else does too.

I've been reading Gordon Fee's "Paul, the Spirit, and the People of God". Powerful stuff. (So far the only remotely Pentecostal thing was some footnote where he mentions his upbringing and the types of gospel songs they sang.) I was talking with Daddy recently about some of it and, wouldn't you know it, we ended up back in Galatians. Daddy was making the point that Galatians expresses so clearly that walking in/by the Spirit is the only antidote to both legalism and licentiousness. That's it, of course---the answer to my cry of "But I don't know how to do this type of Christianity!" But then it raises the question of HOW---how do I walk by the Spirit? How am I led by Him?

I read this gem from Fee: "By the presence of the Spirit, God's love, played out to the full in Christ, is an experienced reality in the heart of the believer. This is what the Spirit has so richly 'shed abroad in our hearts'...God's love for us has been 'poured out' as a prodigal, experienced reality by the presence of the Holy Spirit, whom God has also lavishly poured out into our hearts."

That overwhelming sense of being undone by the love of God---that was the Spirit's presence all along. I began in the Spirit, but then tried to live by my own efforts (Galatians 3:3). I stopped being led by the Spirit, but put myself under Law (Gal 5:18). It's not like the Spirit left me; I just had very little awareness of His presence. And a lot of the stuff that has been happening and that I've been studying so much may be less about the gifts of the Holy Spirit and far, far more about a renewed sense of His presence, a greater yielding on my part, a deeper filling---and learning to be led by Him and walk in Him.

Legalism and walking in the Spirit are so antithetical. How could I have not seen that? I understand even more why [those caught up in legalism] reacted so strongly against the very idea of the Spirit writing the law on our hearts and why they saw this more as something they did, through study. I understand why Reformed Theology so often quenches the Spirit---even ignores the Spirit to the point of practical binitarianism.

What I don't understand is how Pentecostal and Charismatic types can be legalistic. They of all people should know better---aren't they supposed to be all about letting the Spirit have control of their lives? It can only arise, I think, when the focus shifts from the Giver to the gifts...when they cease being led by the Spirit and instead get involved in outward "stuff". The Spirit will never lead us into legalism.

Fall to grace: Aftermath, part 7

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6. Links to the entire series can be found on the blog sidebar.

Part of the aftermath of my fall to grace was that my ensuing studies made me become more and more out of step with the OPC church we were members of. Eventually I felt compelled to write our pastor the following letter:

Dear [Pastor],

For the past few months, I’ve felt in something of a growing quandary in regards to my relationship with you and the church. I believe that God has changed me in some significant ways. I have been involved in diligent and earnest study that has caused me to adopt some theological beliefs, as well as personal practices, that I think differ significantly from the Westminster Confession of Faith and the teaching of [our church]. I’m not sure if this is really a problem or not. Because my membership vows require me to submit to our church government and heed its discipline should I be found delinquent in doctrine or in life, I feel compelled to let you know where I now stand theologically so that you may determine whether these differences are significant enough to warrant any sort of response or discipline.


Points of Disagreement

Of God’s Covenant with Man --- My beliefs now differ with the WCF and what is commonly taught as part of Reformed Theology. I do not believe that the two covenants emphasized in Scripture are the “covenant of works” with Adam and the “covenant of grace” since then. Furthermore, I do not believe that the “covenant of grace”, as the WCF states, “was differently administered in the time of the law, and in the time of the gospel”, nor do I believe that there “are not therefore two covenants of grace, differing in substance, but one and the same, under various dispensations.” Instead I believe that the Bible clearly teaches and emphasizes two mutually exclusive covenants: the Old Covenant (Exodus 19:1 - 24:8) and the New Covenant (Jeremiah 31:31-34, Hebrews 8:6-13, Hebrews 9:11-15, 2 Corinthians 3:3-17, Galatians 4:21-31, Hebrews 12:18-24).

Of the Law of God --- This is probably the most significant area of disagreement, with the most far-reaching implications. I believe that the categorization of the Mosaic Law into moral, civil, and ceremonial is a manmade distinction found nowhere in Scripture. I no longer believe that the “moral law doth for ever bind all”, that it is our “duty”, that it “binds [us] to walk accordingly”, or that the WCF’s “aforementioned uses of the law” are not “contrary to the grace of the gospel, but do sweetly comply with it”. Instead, I believe that the clear teaching of Scripture, especially as taught in Galatians, is that Jesus Christ has set us free from the Mosaic Law in its entirety, not just from its penalty, but from its requirements. I found the following passages, among others, particularly compelling and convincing: Acts 15:25-41, Romans 6:14-15, Romans 7:1-6, Romans 10:4, Romans 11:5-6, Galatians 3:1-5,10,13,19,23-25, 4:9, 4:21-31, 5:18, 6:13-15, Ephesians 2:14-15. I now believe that I am a child of the free woman, not of the bondwoman (Galatians 4:21-31). My freedom was purchased by the shed blood of my Savior. He has set me free from the bondage of the Old Covenant, including the entire Mosaic Law, and now commands me to stand firm in that freedom---to obey the Law of Christ rather than the Law of Moses---and not to be entangled in the very yoke of bondage from which He freed me. Can I do any less?

Of the Sabbath Day --- As a result of what I have stated above, I no longer believe, as the WCF states, that we are obligated to keep a Christian Sabbath “by a positive, moral, and perpetual commandment, binding all men, in all ages” and that this is “to be continued to the end of the world”. Instead, I believe that Christ is our Sabbath Rest and has specifically set us free from any requirement concerning Sabbath observance, since this was part of the Mosaic Covenant. (The Sabbath issue is mentioned specifically in Col. 2:13-17, Romans 14:4-6, Heb. 4:1-10) In light of that, my practices on Sunday are no longer in keeping with what the WCF teaches or with what has been taught here at Covenant Grace. Instead, I practice my complete freedom to regard Sunday as any other day, as long as I “do not forsake the assembling together”.

Of Baptism --- I believe that the Baptistic view of Baptism for believers only, by immersion, is more in keeping with the plain teaching of Scripture. Since we are under the New Covenant, and it is mutually exclusive to the Old, I believe we should not attempt to adapt the requirements of the Old Covenant and find a new counterpart to circumcision. Furthermore, I am beginning to believe more strongly in the priesthood of the believer to the point that I am not fully persuaded that only ordained ministers may administer baptism, as I do not find this requirement in Scripture.

Of the Lord’s Supper --- My beliefs in this area have become more Baptistic as well; I now hold to a Memorial view, rather than the Reformed view. [Note: I have since gone back and forth on this issue. Today, I'm probably more Lutheran on this issue than anything else. Sort of.] In addition, not only do I believe that Scripture does not teach that only ministers or elders may administer the Lord’s Supper, but I have partaken recently in a small communion service outside of a church setting that did not involve any church leadership. I do not believe that this was in violation of Scripture.

The Spiritual Gifts --- This is an area where I am still studying. I do not believe that the office of apostle still exists today. I do not yet have any firm position concerning the gift of prophecy. However, the conclusions of the report of the General Assembly in 1978 concerning the spiritual gifts do not persuade me. I believe that tongues are still valid for today, although I have not personally spoken in tongues. I have, however, recently observed the speaking in tongues along with their interpretation. I believe this was valid and of God. In fact, I find it problematic that too many churches are willing to violate the Biblical injunction not to forbid the speaking in tongues (1 Corinthians 14:39) without what I find as a Scriptural warrant to do so. Furthermore, at my own request, a minister has laid hands on me and prayed that I might no longer resist the ministry and gifts of the Holy Spirit. I believe that I had previously and erroneously quenched the working of the Holy Spirit in my own life and have purposed to do so no longer.

If I haven’t been clear about what I now believe, or if you have any questions, I’d be more than happy to discuss any of this with you. Both you and [your wife] are a blessing to me; I don’t want theological disagreement to cause any division, dissension, or hard feelings.

I’ve written this letter with some measure of fear and trembling, as well as sadness. The reevaluation of my Reformed Faith has not been an easy process, especially since I have become fully persuaded by Scripture to abandon a number of my firmly held and cherished beliefs. It is also a sad thing to me to feel that I am now out of step with the church body here at [church]. At the same time, I am experiencing a depth of joy that I never thought possible: God’s grace and love have become more real and personal to me than ever before. I do not know if these areas of disagreement will be viewed by the you or the Session as problematic or as constituting a serious offense. If so, I want to state my willingness to submit, as humbly, graciously, and lovingly as God’s grace enables me, to any discipline or course of action the Session would deem appropriate.

----------------------------------------------------------

What happened next? We met with the Session and discussed some of the issues raised in my letter/position paper to the pastor. In addition to the issues that I had raised, my husband had some theological differences over progressive sanctification.

Our elders asked us if we wanted to leave the church. If not, they would have no choice but to put us under church discipline and attempt to dissuade us from our error.

We prayed together. We wept together. We hugged each other and parted. It was not easy. I am so grateful for the godly way in which our elders handled this entire situation. It was clear that our pastor was deeply concerned for our spiritual well-being and that he acted only in love for us.

Since then, I had the joyous privilege of attending a baby shower to celebrate the joyously anticipated --- and long awaited and prayed for --- birth of their son Samuel.

May we all be like this precious pastor and his family. May love cover even our theological differences. May the fellowship we share with one another as Believers extend beyond our church walls.

Fall to grace: Aftermath, part 6

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6. Links to the entire series can be found on the blog sidebar.

I weighed into a discussion of legalism run amok with the following:

Subject: The bottom line?
Date: 3/24/99 07:56
To: Gothard_discussion@onelist.com

Seems like we've ranged far afield here lately with discussions of polygamy, Lindvall, etc., etc. It struck me late last night that there are a number of common threads. Those of us that are women have a hard time not reacting to the negative attitudes portrayed---that a woman cannot be whole without a husband...that a woman should not even communicate her Faith to her children...etc. But that is just a symptom of the rotten foundation that undergirds this teaching, be it the "Patriarchal Movement", Lindvall, Gothard, or whatever crackpot Chris will discover next.

The bottom line comes back to that same thing that Mike keeps bringing up---you know, that annoying gnat-like topic. The more I study it, the more I see it as the foundational issue to our Christianity.

Lately I've been feasting on Galatians. I've been reading it, meditating on it, studying it, dissecting it. And I feel as if I'm finally beginning to scratch the surface of that wonderful book. I'd encourage everyone to immerse themselves deeply in this book, as the issues of the Galatian church are alive and well today. No, not alive and well---alive and very sick indeed. The American Church is infected with the same disease that Paul, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, was combating.

Look at the Rivendell site, that wacko patriarchal site, Lindvall's site, Gothard's materials---what is elevated? Who is largely missing? We read a lot about Law, either the Mosaic Law or man's interpretation of it and addition to it. We read about returning to that Law, embracing it more fully, emulating those who were under it, expanding it further. We read little or nothing about Christ, about loving Him with our whole hearts, minds, strength---about pursuing Him with passion and with every fiber of our being. We read little or nothing about loving others as we would love ourselves. So, under such a Christ-less and Law-based system, one that ignores grace, how can we be surprised that all sorts of false teaching flows?

We can't expect Christ's grace to be sufficient to bring wholeness to a hurting woman; only what's-his-name can do that by violating the marriage vows he took with his wife. We can't expect a mother's life to be lived so in fellowship with her Lord that her every word gives testimony to Him and that she is, by living with her children, continually instructing them in the Faith---no, she must allow only her husband to do so. How, I ask you, can a woman whose passion is Jesus possibly not be telling her children about Him? How can the teaching of Scripture not be woven into the very fabric of her interactions with her children? The only reason Lindvall can teach this sort of nonsense is because he has never seen someone whose life is consumed by what Jesus has done for her, rather than a life that is consumed by Law. Just because we all fall short in that area, doesn't mean we should admit complete defeat and do even less!

So why do people continually eat this stuff up? I have a number of theories. A big part of it is pride. As Rick has said, "It's neat to be elite" and we pride ourselves in our "high standards", our adherence to Law, our greater righteousness than those people who simply rely on grace. (Besides, how do we know it isn't "greasy grace"? If they were really concerned with righteousness, they'd buy into our system.) We want to do things on our own strength. We want a proscribed system that will give us all the answers. We want a measuring stick to tell us we're OK. We don't want to admit that we can't earn brownie points with God. We don't want to admit our bankruptcy before Him, our utter helplessness, our sinfulness, our weakness. We don't want freedom. We want easy answers. We want chains.

I've been there. It's still painful for me to see Lindvall, who has blessed our family greatly, criticized here. It's difficult for me to admit that he's fallen prey to the same errors of legalism as Gothard et. al. But the evidence is clear.

Galatians says it so plainly. We have to decide: which covenant are we going to live under? Are we going to hang around Sinai or are we going to leave Sinai and live in Zion? Are we going to negate what Christ did for us on the Cross or are we going to live according to grace? We can discuss all the side issues, but we're just spinning wheels until we are willing to face what the bottom line is in all this.

Fall to grace: Aftermath, part 5

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6. Links to the entire series can be found on the blog sidebar.

My fall to grace was so dramatic that it seemed to change everything, especially my relationships with others. Freedom became more precious to me, and so many negative things began to fall away, even as I still questioned myself.

Subject: All kinds of stuff
Date: 3/3/99 10:06

What do you think that verse in Hebrews means about us being surrounded by a "cloud of witnesses"? Do you think that God allows those in Heaven to catch a glimpse of some of the stuff that goes on here? I've always imagined that there is a big huge party in Heaven whenever someone comes to the Lord or whenever there is a great spiritual victory. What do you think? Do you think, for example, that God lets Paul know that what he wrote under the inspiration of the Spirit is still changing lives? "Look, Paul---these people over there are finally getting it and are beginning to stand firm in their liberty!"

The thing that's really starting to hit me now---and I have realized that it's at the bottom of why [Husband] thinks I'm so different and why our marriage has taken on a different flavor--is Romans 8. I've always loved that chapter; I even have a mental image in my mind of how Paul reacted to the Holy Spirit's inspiration when he was working on it. But now---it's starting to penetrate into my very heart and soul...it's going down all the way to my toes. It's so personal. No condemnation---just that incredible love. Last night [Husband] and I read it together. He can be all calm about it, but it just about destroys me.

One of the things that I wondered about was the issue of moderation. Was I going too far? Should I really throw out what seemed like everything? Weren't some of my convictions and standards worth keeping, even if they couldn't be found in Scripture? What about the Law: couldn't I exercise moderation there as well?

Subject: Re: Had an interesting conversation...
Date: 3/8/99 15:49

On the date of 03/08/1999 14:17, Mike stated:

Besides -- what is moderation -- keeping SOME of the Sabbath-laws, eating pork but not shrimp, and abstaining ONLY after giving birth to a boy?

Sure---I opt for stoning people who don't observe the Sabbath the way I do. Think I'll abstain only after giving birth to a girl, because I can't believe I'll ever have another girl anyway! Seriously, I think [a friend] might be afraid of me casting off all restraint or completely abandoning everything I ever believed about Reformed Theology. Or maybe both. Or maybe, since we're friends, she's not exactly sure what she's afraid of, but just afraid that I'll go off on some strange tangent that will threaten our friendship. It's happened before, so it's not like she doesn't have a valid reason to worry.

Yes -- you are very intense. You fought it for a while, then you plunged into the deep end and began gobbling it up like you had been starved for it.

That's just it---I have been starved. I just didn't know what it was that I was craving, what was missing.

Think about how to apply this truth. How do we now live, now that we know this? What do we do differently? How do we react to others differently? There are a lot of practical implications -- that is the subject of lesson 16 .

I've already noticed that my attitudes towards others is a lot different. In some ways---kinder and gentler because I'm less judgmental. People don't have to dot their i's and cross their t's the same way as I do in order for me to respect them. But, in other ways, I'm less patient with [those that are extremely legalitic]. Maybe less patient isn't really what I mean. I'm less accepting of that rigidity and error...now I'm grieved and sometimes angered by it. It matters more to me than it used to---while at the same time, a lot of other stuff matters far less or not at all. I think I'm less hung up on all the externals.

[Husband] claims I'm much happier. It must be true. I'm having more fun than I have in a long time.

But...I feel like there is lots of unfinished business in my life...like I'm supposed to be doing something, only I don't know what it is.
..........................................................................

Along the way, there were still doubts:

But, even while I'm reacting with disbelief and with a really disturbed and uneasy feeling to all of this stuff, there is this subtle pull, not to Gothardism, but to this whole Higher Standard rubbish. It goes kinda like this:

1. I want to live a righteous life and do what God wants me to do.
2. But I'm weak and puny, prone to sin and self-deception.
3. It's important to protect my areas of weakness---what better protection than strict standards that will keep me from temptation?
4. Better to be overly-cautious than fall into sin.
5. It's not legalism if it's motivated by a desire to live a righteous life and please God.
6. Won't it please God that I obey an even higher standard?

Chris talked about this online recently and described it as "just in case" legalism and how one went from not being drunk with wine to avoiding wine to avoiding those who don't avoid wine and finally ending up hiding under one's bed.

Someone else recently told me that she had grown tired of the "contest to see who had the most convictions".

At the same time...the idea that God and His Word are enough to keep me from running wild---well, I know it intellectually, but I'm assailed by doubts at times, especially when friends of mine are urging caution and sounding alarm bells. It seemed that some of my self-imposed standards were good ideas at the time. What if I can't really handle freedom?

I don't want to go back. I'm just feeling kinda weak and defenseless right now. What if all this grace and freedom stuff is only attractive to me because I'm deluding myself...because I really am rebellious? Sheesh. That's what I get for reading Gothard stuff.

.............................................

Subject: Re: Going off the deep end
Date: 3/11/99 23:55

On the date of 03/11/1999 13:29, Mike stated:

Rebecca -- in my great kindness and tact -- I gotta say -- this sounds really stupid. You KNOW it isn't that at all. You KNOW it is the truth of God's word that did it, NOT your desire to be lax.

Ah, what can I say? I feel...stupid. You're right, of course. But, I have to tell you---you do have an odd way of encouraging people. At first I laughed. Then I felt insulted. Then I laughed.

I feel kinda like I was waxing nostalgic over those leeks in Egypt again. Sigh. Silly and stupid of me, I know. Especially since this freedom has been so glorious. I think you know. Well, I know that you know how glorious it is for you...but not how glorious it is for me. It's a bit different for each of us, I think. Different layers and aspects of freedom. I've tasted and experienced and lived freedom before, but it's always been freedom from something and this is more than just that---it's freedom to something. Does that make sense to you? It's not just being released from chains...it's being released to glory. Being released to a closer glimpse of who Jesus really is.

And now I'm crying. Again. Still.

It's like a rebirth to me, Mike. There's things that maybe someday I'd like to tell you. I'm not sure. Maybe...but this is, at times, simply too big for me. Too awesome. It's breaking my heart, but in a good way.

I remember my Opa once reading me a passage from Revelation and saying, "Do you realize that we'll sit with Christ on His throne?" I thought that was the most outrageous thing I'd ever heard. I thought I'd be happy just to sneak into the back door of Heaven and be able to catch the tiniest fleeting glimpse of Jesus from a very far distance. Even that seemed too much for me to hope for. Opa---well, he really understood grace. It was, I'm beginning to realize, his whole life. He used to like to think about how people would be shocked and surprised to see him in Heaven and how he'd be so happy to tell them that it was all the grace of God. I thought he was the greatest spiritual giant I'd ever met and I simply couldn't imagine anyone being surprised to see him in Heaven. But I'm beginning to understand a lot of the stuff he tried to tell me the last time we were together. He urged me to taste the goodness of what the Lord had to offer---said that anything less would then seem as desirable to me as burnt split pea soup. Yuck!

The God who loves me enough to do all He's done for me---of course He'll sustain me. How could I not know that? Has He brought me to this point just to abandon me to some sort of confusion and running amok? Nah...

I believe too much in the providence of God not to believe that His hand has been in all of this. Ah, the goodness of God...His love...His mercy...I hope that I never get over this feeling of awe and newness and wonder.

Fall to grace: Aftermath, part 4

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6. Links to the entire series can be found on the blog sidebar.

Even though I was still searching for answers to my many questions, that didn't stop me from trying to share my excitement with others. One thing I was accused of was "ripping things out of the Bible" or "hating the Law". Instead, I discovered that I had an new appreciation and excitement for all of God's Word.

Subject: This morning's profound insight (at least for me!)
Date: 2/11/99 11:06

This stuff is just so exciting to me, Mike! I know I'm just, as you said, stepping on the track---I hope I'm not boring you to tears with what is new to me but old hat to you---but this really got to me this morning. I was thinking about something Valerie posted about people trying to rip major portions out of her Bible. I could understand what she meant; part of my attraction to Covenant Theology was a reaction against people who seem to recoil with horror from the Old Testament or pretend as if it doesn't exist.

Now I've been sorting through what role the OT has for us today. This is what hit me: I love the Law---in, fact, I love it far, far more than I did when I thought I was under its yoke. I love it because it points to Christ and what He did for me! I would no more tear it out of my Bible then I would tear out all those prophecies that He fulfilled. ("Well, He fulfilled that, so I might as well never bother reading it. Rip it out and throw it away!") The Law came from God; it stands as a powerful testimony to His relationship with Israel; it was my schoolmaster; but far, far more important to me today is that it helps me to understand on a deeper level the glory and grace of what Christ did for me! Am I making sense? I'm having a hard time expressing this but it really impressed me this morning...every new glimpse of understanding only makes me more in awe of my God and Savior.

Fall to grace: Aftermath, part 3

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6. Links to the entire series can be found on the blog sidebar.

As I sorted everything out, there were lots of questions, and even some doubts. I begged Mike for a reading list, to which he responded:

You want a reading list? How about Acts 15, Romans 3-9, Galatians 1-6, Hebrews 7-12

What I was really looking for --- but didn't realize until much later --- was a system to replace the one I was letting go of. Without it, and a community of believers who agreed with me, I felt so alone. It was not an easy thing to feel as if I was pulling up my tent stakes, packing my bags, and getting ready to leave the Reformed camp without knowing where I was headed. I answered:

Ah, Mike...don't take this personally...but this is not at all reassuring! When I was telling [a friend] about your lessons on the Law, she said, "Who is this pastor? What is his family like?" Actually she didn't ask about your family, but I felt suddenly isolated from all of Christendom---as if I'd willy-nilly tossed out hundreds of years of church doctrine just cuz some guy in Texas sent me a few email lessons. What if these Scriptures that seem so obvious to me don't really say what I think they're saying? If it's so obvious, why doesn't the whole world get it? Am I simply fooling myself because I really do want to run amok...because I got bored with things the way they were...because I'm easily duped...

And where do I fit in now? I was teasing [my husband] that I'm in search of a new label. If we're not really Reformed, what are we? So I joked, "I know! We can become Lutheran Pietists! That's what my grandfather was---and Rushdoony despises them and calls them 'pious poops'---so that's good enough reason to become one!" Then I had to point out the obvious problem with that: I had already told [Husband] just about everything I knew about Pietism. It's a little hard to become something you know nothing about...

I cannot conceive of any BIBLICAL argument that could turn you back, so the only thing left is fear of condemnation from others. I DID warn you, didn't I, of the consequences of standing for your freedom? You really have no idea how hot it can get.

Yesterday at church, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was living a double life---and I also had this irrational fear that people would take one look at me and say, "She's different somehow. AHA---she's turned into an antinomian!!" Parts of church blessed me tremendously and parts simply grieved me.

Are you afraid of freedom? The Hebrews were! Many of them wanted to go back to Egypt.

Am I afraid? Mike, I'm afraid of almost everything and freedom is really scary. My mother once read me a German poem about some guy who'd been in shackles in a dungeon for ages...how he finally got his freedom...and how he put the shackles back on himself. It was one of the saddest thing I've ever heard, but I can fully understand it. Shackles are safe, even when we chafe at them. But I don't want them back!

What I want you to do is make sure you understand the biblical arguments, and then, please, pass along the other questions to me -- in fact, if you get any biblical arguments that shake you, pass them along, too. After you have done this for a while, you will start seeing the repetitive nature of the questions, and the erroneous assumptions behind them. 99% of the arguments are answered by understanding two things: "The law" means the WHOLE law. And there was no such thing in the Bible as a division between "moral" and "ceremonial" law. Just keep going back to these two facts, and your opponents will have NO answers.

That was the hardest part for me to accept also---I mean, everyone knows the Law is divided into 3 categories!---and once I was fully convinced, the rest of it started to fall into place. Well, I'll start collecting questions for you---if you promise not to say, "I'll answer that one in 20 years, when we finally get to lesson 5,613."

I have mentioned this before, but it seems that Calvinists cannot conceive of ANY part of their system being wrong without it destroying the entire system. In fact, many Calvinistic apologists make this exact argument. But the 10-C and the "moral law" never did have anything to do with the system! They were just pasted together with it, and made seemingly permanent by the WCF. Rebecca -- as good as it is in some points, the WCF is NOT the word of God, and it is WRONG at several points.

Sigh. I know. And some of the alleged "Biblical proofs" seem quite a stretch indeed. It's always bugged me when people will quote the WCF before even going into what the Bible says. I was never that enamored with the whole thing---like some people who have memorized major portions of it and quote it almost like Scripture.

Fall to grace: Aftermath, Part 2

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6. Links to the entire series can be found on the blog sidebar.

One of the ways that God dealt with me was in the area of my emotions. Reformed folk are, to understate it a bit, not known to be an emotional bunch. There is a reason for the nickname "frozen chosen". I had so focused on loving God with my mind, that my relationship with him had become almost completely intellectual.

In addition, our years in the OPC Church, with its staid, rigid --- even at times somber and stifling --- style of worship service, had made me wary of any sort of emotional approach to worship and praise.

Now that all changed. I felt undone by the love of Jesus, and I was overwhelmed by how emotional I became.

Mike wrote me:

You CAN have a satisfying emotional relationship with
Christ and be logical and intellectual in your faith at the same time. There is a middle ground, you know. Remember -- I convinced you through logic and scriptural exegesis -- not emotions.

I responded:

Mike, don't worry. I'm not about to park my brain and become some emotionally-driven person. (I can see it now. My posts on the Gothard discussion will start saying, "Why argue theology? Let's just all hold hands and sing 'They'll know we are Christians by our love'. It doesn't matter what you think about Christ, just how you feel about Him! Warm fuzzies, everyone!")

What I really want---and what scares me too---is to know Christ with everything in me. I don't want to just have some sort of mind-y relationship with Him. I want that too, but I want the passion and the glory and the freedom of really, really knowing Him intimately.

I wrote to another friend:

I realized last night that a big part of the tears is that I feel completely shattered and undone by the love of Jesus. It's too much for me. Way, way too much. And I've also realized that there was some catharsis stuff going on too. Kinda like when I broke my toe during pregnancy and cried for half an hour---not over the toe but over everything else I hadn't cried about for a long time.

I've started reading Swindoll's book, "The Grace Awakening". I feel like I'm being all brave and daring and wild to be reading something outside the Reformed camp. (In fact, I even asked Mike for reading suggestions. Scary thought.) It's funny that God is using people who hold theological positions with which I disagreed strongly---that He's using them so powerfully in my life right now. Humbling, but also hilarious in a way.

Fall to grace: The Aftermath, part 1

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6. Links to the entire series can be found on the blog sidebar.

While the joy I experienced as a result of my newfound understanding of grace was profound, it wasn't exactly as if I'd suddenly entered some sort of "happily ever after" fairy tale existence. In the midst of that joy, I still had many questions and issues that needed to be worked through.

Date: 1/29/99 08:57

BTW, my husband and I have been going through your lessons together. Last night I had to officially concede the Sunday Debate. We discussed what this means on a practical level and it turns out that Sundays won't turn into the wild debauchery that I had feared. The funny thing is that we really won't do a whole lot of things differently---I just won't be trying to impose some sort of deep, spiritual meaning on them. We'll still eat off the nice dishes, for example, but I won't be trying to pretend that they are somehow more sanctified than the every-day motley assortment and that using them magically sanctifies Sunday...etc. We won't be agonizing over every little activity to see if it's in keeping with our latest idea on what is or isn't proper Sunday behavior. Hey, Sundays might even become fun! The wonderful thing is that, for the first time in our marriage, we really agree on this topic and don't feel like we're both compromising.

We also realized that it would be a good idea to have [Eldest Son], the budding legalist, read your lessons. [Husband] told me about one Sunday when he was furtively sweeping up some mess in the garage, only to be discovered by [Eldest Son], who gasped in shock, "But, Daddy! It's SUNDAY!"

I tell you, this freedom stuff is still kinda wild and exhilarating. It seems as if I'm constantly facing the realization, "Oh, Christ set me free from this too!" Just last night I realized an area where I had long been quite Gothardish---and it was so joyous to be rid of yet more shackles.

The sad part of all this is contemplating what this means in terms of our church. It's not like we were ecstatic and you blew it for us by infecting us with your heresy. (Hey, my husband was already infected!) The irony is that a few weeks ago, I was complaining that our pastor wasn't covenantal enough in his theology and now I'm complaining that he's *too* covenantal! There's simply no pleasing me, especially since I keep getting swept away by every wind of doctrine.

Seriously, I'm not sure what we will do or where God will lead us. And it's OK, we don't need to decide anything at this point, because it's not like we have to do anything right now. An interesting aside of all this is that I would never baptize my babies today. But I'll leave that whole discussion for another time---because I do have some related questions!

Fall to grace, part 10

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6.

As, in desperation, I devoured God's Word, it began to sink in as never before.

Subject: Ignore my previously morose missive!!!
Date: 1/26/99 15:38

It's finally starting to sink in! I re-read Galatians (by the end of all this, maybe I'll have it memorized) and it suddenly struck me that I'm sitting around crying over the leeks back in Egypt instead of rejoicing over the manna falling from Heaven and the glory right in front of me.

Then I read Philippians. It's all there in chapter 3!!! I felt almost like Corrie ten Boom must have felt when she was in prison and the Word of God seemed so fresh, so timely, that it seemed as if the ink shouldn't be dry.

Falling? I was never falling. I was in the Father's arms the whole time. Now I'm crying again, but it's joy this time. (Not sure if it's giddiness yet, though.) Here I'm made things so hard, and the real answer has been there the whole time. Mike, I don't know what else to say. Words seem so...mundane.

.......................................

Subject: Words seem so mundane, but that won't stop me from typing a bunch of them
Date: 1/26/99 16:19

Hope you're reading these emails in order, or they won't make any sense.

When I was busy hurling myself off precipices, why didn't you suggest I read the book of Galatians? You did? You mean I read it and never noticed the part at the very end where it says, "And as many as walk according to this rule, peace and mercy be upon them..." Or what about right before then, where Paul says that neither circumcision or uncircumcision avails anything in Christ, that the important thing is that we're a new creation? How could I have not seen the hope and glory in all that? Why was I so intent on clutching my filthy little rags around me and then crying that God had so graciously removed them?

Mike, this is glorious.

And now I can even laugh at how dense I've been. Here I've been going around saying that if my children turn out to be any better than axe-murderers, it will be all God's grace, but I've somehow missed that message for myself. Or at least I've never plumbed the depths of it. And now I'm starting to taste it...and it is so incredible and so sweet.

Have I ever told you about my Opa? When he was a young married guy, he was really struggling with all sorts of stuff. He simply couldn't be the strong man of God that my grandmother wanted in a husband. Just one symptom of that---and a big bone of contention between them---was that he was horribly addicted to cigarettes. Well, he used to describe how God took him from Romans 7 to Romans 8. It was such a dramatic change that his customers (he was a butcher) commented on how different he was. He memorized Romans 8; if I close my eyes, I can still hear him quoting it in German. I thought I understood what he meant when he would tell me this story, but I realize now I had only the vaguest inkling.

I knew God's grace was amazing, but I had no idea that it was this amazing! You should have at least tried to tell me. Oh, you did try? You mean that's what you've been going on about all this time?

Well, if someone as dense as me could finally start to get it, there's lots of hope for all the Gothardites and Ezzoites out there!

Excuse me. It stopped raining and I have to go out and dance in the streets.

..........................................

Subject: Just thought of something else!
Date: 1/26/99 16:33

There's this nifty chorus I learned decades ago:

Do this and live, the Law commands
But gives me neither feet nor hands.
A better way His grace doth bring
It bids me fly and gives me wings!

When I was a little kid, we found a bird who'd fallen out of his nest, a tiny falcon. One of the ways we helped teach him to fly---really soar, rather than just take short little flights between stuff---was to throw him up in the air as high as we could. My older brother would form him into a ball and throw him up, up and I'd watch him start to plummet back to earth, with his body still curled into a ball. I was always afraid he'd just smack the ground and die, but then he'd stretch out his wings, come out of the free fall, and soar off!

That's how I feel now. God showed me that He gave me wings a long time ago, and He's finally teaching me how to use them.

And now I'm crying again!

Fall to grace, part 9

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6.

The promised joy in realizing one's freedom in Christ seemed, for a time, like a cruel joke.

Subject: Long, rambling, morose missive
Date: 1/26/99 12:21

[Read this email in a sad monotone.]

During the wee hours of the morning, I thought of a few questions:

1. Is it really your goal as a teacher to make people feel like gutter residue? (No, this isn't a serious question.)

2. So what's wrong with deciding to obey some of the OT Laws just because they seem like good ideas for practical or health reasons? There's evidence, for example, that the dietary laws have health benefits. God promised, in the context of some of the other laws, that if they were obeyed, women wouldn't be barren, have miscarriages, or stillbirths, etc. Could there be some blessings in the terms of natural consequences? And, if that's OK, how do you prevent that from turning into full-blown Gothardism? And if it's not OK to say, "I won't eat pork because it's not as healthy as beef", are we forced to eat pork lest we become legalists? What if you don't like pork? I know this probably sounds silly, especially since I eat pork.

3. And is there anything wrong with coming up with extra-Biblical rules of conduct for yourself, especially in areas where you're weak? Rules that will act as a hedge of protection...and how do you keep that from becoming a matter of pride, where you sneer at everyone who doesn't have the same hedges you do? And if you don't have any hedges, how do you keep from sneering pridefully at other's hedges?

4. Once you jump off the precipice, how long does it take until you land? Will I ever feel solid ground beneath my feet again? I'm still in free-fall. That's what I told [a friend of mine] this morning (who is so excited about all this that she's probably out dancing in the streets even as I sit here, morosely typing) It is so scary. No, it's more than scary. It's terror.

Plus, I'm grieving, Mike. I've had Reformed Theology ripped out of my hands. I loved Reformed Theology with a passion. No, I was never one of those elite "Truly Reformed" (I remember a long-drawn out debate on AOL over what it meant to be TR) and there were aspects of the system I didn't buy completely, but now I feel as if it's lying in tatters at my feet and it will never be whole for me again. I haven't thrown it out completely, but it will never, ever be cohesive for me. Please don't laugh. This really, really hurts. And, part of the hurt is that it hurts at all. Where was my faith? In a theological system?

Part of this whole whatever-it-is doesn't surprise me. I've felt God leading me into areas of greater freedom. But the other stuff was small potatoes in comparison and brought with it the joyous side of freedom. But this is...yucky. (I sat here for a long time, trying to come up with the right word. That's not it, of course, but it will have to do.)

[My friend], who is such a sweet and wonderful friend that she's either completely blind to all of my faults or thinks it an honor that I reveal them to her, tried to make me feel less like gutter residue by telling me what a heart I have for the Lord. So I had to admit the awful truth to her by giving her this analogy: What if I went around claiming that I wanted a close and intimate relationship with my husband, and spent all my time reading books about husbands or even books about how to have an intimate relationship with husbands, but rarely ever even talked to the poor guy?

Part of the horrible clarity of this "wonderful freedom" [read that in a snide and bitter-sounding voice] is that I've realized how my own attempts at living the Christian life have too often erected a barrier separating me from the very Christ I'm supposed to be serving.

It's all crumbling around me, Mike. Everything. I'm stripped and empty-handed and falling, falling, falling... How do I make it stop???

Fall to grace, part 8

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6.

Finally I reached a point where I couldn't fight any more, couldn't argue any more, couldn't resist the truth any more. I let go of everything that was holding me back. It felt like jumping off a cliff and desperately hoping that God would catch me.

Subject: OK, so I jumped
Date: 1/25/99 07:40

I've spent what must rank up there with one of the worst nights of my life. All I can say is that this whole thing stinks.

Oh, yeah, I'm suddenly free---free to realize, with horrible and painful clarity, all sorts of awful things. I've wasted years of my life. I've misled my own children. I've hurt other people. I've been a real jerk.

I feel as if I'm starting over in Remedial Christianity 101. Oh, and all those people I thought were flunking? Turns out they were the ace students and I was the one who had failed dismally. Ouch.

Mike, your message is hard and painful. Probably someday I'll thank you.

God seemed very distant. All I knew is that I couldn't "un-jump". I just hoped for relief, for an end to my pain.

Fall to grace, part 7

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6.

Having my eyes opened to a deeper understanding of grace was not an easy process. Here are a few emails I wrote to Mike along the way, edited for spelling, clarity, and to remove a few personal comments:

Subject: That pesky Galatians stuff
Date: 1/21/99 10:01

Mike, I got up this morning to read part of Galatians...again. I was reading it out of my New Geneva Study Bible (the only Bible with truly theologically-correct notes) and re-read their nifty comments on Paul's use of the word "grace" in his salutation.

What really struck me this morning so forcefully is the part about beginning in the Spirit and then trying to continue in the flesh. I've been so struggling with the whole issue of the place of the Law in our lives. Some of your lessons have been difficult for me to read and I have to confess that I've completely avoided others. And I've held myself back from sending you scathing emails demanding things like, "Well, since Jesus didn't speak out against incest, is it OK now? Since he didn't condemn rape, is that OK now too? What about bestiality? How do we know it's wrong? HUH? HUH? HUH?"

It's so scary to let go of a system, any system. I'm feeling a bit cut adrift. At the same time, what I read this morning in Galatians made my heart sing.

My husband and I, in the few moments before he left for work, jumped into our marriage-long debate over the Sabbath. Now I'm seeing this with different eyes and am finally getting what that faithless antinomian...er, uh, I mean my dear husband...has been trying to say all these years.

So pray for me. This is both exciting and terrifying.

....................................

Subject: Re: That pesky Galatians stuff
Date: 1/21/99 14:10

On the date of 01/21/1999 13:35, Mike stated:

No offense intended, but many reformed folks will not -- they just
call me names.

Uh, that would have been me a couple years ago. Now I like to think I'm kinder and gentler.

I would ask you to make the attempt to read all my lessons, as each one is built on the conclusions of the previous ones. And if you find what you think is error -- please speak up. You are not the only one receiving these lessons who has reacted like this. I am accustomed to it. I have attempted to be as thorough as possible.

I'm more afraid that you're right than that you're in error. In fact, I think I know that you're right. (How's that for sounding sure?)

But once one really understands -- deep down inside -- his real freedom in Christ -- there is almost a giddiness!

Then why does it feel so absolutely terrifying at this point?

I've spent about six years now studying various aspects of the Reformed Faith, not really as in depth as I'd like, but still more than simply brushing the surface. And it's the first time that anything about Christianity really excited me on an intellectual level. Plus, the deeper appreciation and understanding I gained about the sovereignty of God is what has made such a big difference. And grace! Wow! It's been an exciting time. I've felt as if I've come home.

The big question is...and I can't explain why this brings me to tears...if I believe you---really, really believe you...than what will I DO? Don't ask me to explain what on earth I mean. I don't know how right now.

I kept peppering Mike with questions and more questions. Then I wrote:

Subject: DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DO???!!!
Date: 1/23/99 11:25

[Please read the subject line in a loud, shrill voice with an edge of panic and hysteria.]

You're asking me to concede my marriage-long debate on how we should spend Sunday as a family. I'll never hear the end of it. Sundays will degenerate into racing home from church, wolfing down a sandwich, and then doing yard work or some project around the house, or heading off for some frivolous and completely unedifying activity. My younger children will never experience anything remotely similar to the genteel, cultured, restful, and civilized Sunday celebrations of my youth. The only thing that will mark Sunday different from Saturday is that we'll attend church in the morning. Might as well pack away my nice dishes and bring them out only on holidays; a special meal on a specially set table, my husband will remind me, is not in keeping with treating one day as another. (He makes a concession for Christmas and Easter because he doesn't want to spend those days like any other.)

You're asking me to throw out the Westminster Confession of Faith, or at least some significant portions of it.

And what am I supposed to do on communion Sunday at church, when we all recite the 10 commandments together? Shout out loud, "But we're not under them anymore!" (You'd have to know our church to know that any shouting out loud would probably cause half the people to fall over in shock.) How can I believe all this and still be comfortable in our church? And how can we leave without heartbreak?

Mike, please take this as being entirely in love, but you are completely infuriating me.

I had to get if off my chest.

..........................................

Subject: Re: DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'RE ASKING ME TO DO???!!!
Date: 1/23/99 17:50


On the date of 01/23/1999 15:18, Mike stated:

That is VERY loaded ! "Degenerate" -- "frivolous" -- "unedifying" -- etc. If you understand your true freedom under grace, you will not see the fact that you are free from external restrictions as "degenerate" but as liberating. Are you saying that your husband would rather rush around on Sunday than relax?

Sigh. He'd probably rather do some sort of work. For awhile he had this bizarre idea that as long as what you did on Sunday qualified as "fun", it was OK. Don't ask me where he got this idea. No doubt as some sort of defense mechanism against my constant arguments about the whole topic. At any rate, his idea of "fun" on Sunday usually meant doing some sort of woodworking project.

Those who choose to do so are free to do so. But -- those who DO choose to do so MUST understand that the Bible clearly states that those who do NOT choose to do so are just as free to choose NOT to do so! They are no less godly or spiritual than those who do. In fact -- a case could be made that they are MORE spiritual, because they understand their freedom, while others do not.

Oh, but that's no fun! How can I feel smugly morally superior while my husband is working on some mysterious project in the garage and I'm listening to hymns and enjoying a sanctified cup of coffee? How can I then congratulate myself on having had the foresight to be born into a far more spiritual family, who set the example for proper Sunday behavior? (But I don't want to give the impression that they had all sorts of rules. It was more that my mother turned every Sunday into a celebration.)

But remember -- we are also free to treat Sunday DIFFERENTLY.

Guess it just means I'll have to drop the morally superior tone the next time my husband and I argue this issue. Sigh...how humbling.

...................................................

Subject: Re: More answers
Date: 1/23/99 18:06


On the date of 01/23/1999 15:45, Mike stated:

If it [referring to the Westminster Confession of Faith] is wrong at that point, what would cause you to hesitate to throw it out?

Uh...'cuz it sounds so nifty to say, "I hold to most of the WCF"? 'Cuz it makes me feel somewhat connected to a wonderful tradition? 'Cuz I feel like I *belong* and, as someone said, "It's neat to be elite"? 'Cuz...never mind. Sounds kinda lame, even to me.

The confessions are NOT our rule -- the Bible is our rule.
This is one of my BIG problems with those in the Reformed faith. I have had many discussions about this with scholars and preachers, and the consistent position I see is the attempt to interpret the Bible by the confessions, rather than the other way around.

I have to admit that this has bugged me as well. I threw somewhat of a tizzy fit (once we were safely home) when our pastor brought up some issue and said that it was important to have a Biblical understanding of this issue and then spent far more time discussing what the WCF said about it and various theologians said about it than what the Bible said---and we only got to hear the Scripture passage after being told the WCF's take on it.

But -- the FREEDOM is worth it! The JOY of REALLY knowing grace is
worth it! The exhilaration of being able to throw off a yoke of slavery is worth it. But there will be heartbreak -- I can guarantee it.

But the really sad thing is that if we did leave [referring to leaving our OPC church], I have no idea where we would go. It was so difficult and so painful for me to go through the church search process, even though my husband saw it all as a fun adventure and wanted to visit every single church within a 20-mile radius. (Someday I'll bore you unmercifully with all my sad church stories.) Most of our family friends go to this church. There is so much good there. At the same time, I've been discouraged and have felt stifled. And yet there's been hopeful signs that God is dealing with our pastor on some of the very things that have discouraged me.

The sad thing is that I don't think there's a church out there that will ever feel like home to me...at least not for very long.

However -- the real question is -- and you ought to be able to say this with me by now -- you have read my stuff before. The real question is -- what is the truth? Are we free from the law or not? Is the sabbath abolished or not? Are we going to "fall from grace" or stand firm in our liberty? WHAT DOES THE NT TELL US TO DO?

Hhhhmmm...I don't know. Maybe I should ask Ezzo and Gothard what they think.

I really think your husband needs to read all the lessons.

I just printed them all out for him and will hound him until he reads them. Why, I have no idea. It will just make him say, "See? This is what I've been saying for years." You and he will become fast friends and then when he quotes you during our next debate over what to do on Sunday, I'll be driven to shout, "Who is that Mike guy, anyway? What is his family like?!!"

..................................

Subject: More shrill screams
Date: 1/24/99 21:40

Mike, I am really, really struggling with all of this. I got up early this morning and read through parts of Galatians and Romans. Then I read a section in my New Geneva Study Bible about the Law, which contradicted some of what you wrote. "Aha!" I cried out in great delight. I was about to run upstairs and write you a scathing email demanding to know why you, some guy from Texas, dared disagree with the great and learned R.C. Sproul, and that you should repent at once, when I decided that maybe my time would be better spent getting ready for church.

I've been on the verge of tears all day.

I told [a friend of mine] that I felt as if I were standing at a precipice, being urged to jump. I know God is there, but I have no idea what He will do. I've had to admit to myself that it's not His Law that I'm even clinging to---it's my own system that feels like such a protective and comfortable box. I don't know who I am or what to do without it. Even though I feel like a dismal failure half the time, I can convince myself that I'll somehow manage to get my act together---and that I'm failing less than other people are. The hardest thing is that I've had to face how prideful and judgmental I've been.

A few years ago, I attacked some people on AOL who really weren't saying anything different than what you're saying. Hhhmmm...maybe I need to go back and find them and use Gothard's umpteen conscience-clearing steps with them. Only I couldn't figure which was the greater offense: when I called them "antinomian" or when I called them "brazen". So I'm stuck.

My husband spent the afternoon studying your lessons and made it about halfway through. "What did you think?" I asked. My heart soared when he said, "I found some mistakes." Turned out he was referring to two typos. Of course he agrees with everything. Sigh...in fact, he said I should suggest that you emphasize the Jerusalem Decree as recorded in Acts 15. "Nah," I said, "I don't want to give Mike any more ammunition."

Now what? I simply cannot accept this. It's too painful. I wept all over my husband and he quoted a friend of his who said something about the best place for a Christian to be is to be utterly destitute, completely dependent---and know it. So will this ever stop hurting?

Fall to grace, part 6

For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. But if you don't want to read all of it, just read this post.

If you read no other post in my "Fall to Grace" series --- in fact, if you read no other post on my entire blog --- read this post.

The following was written about eight years ago. It was originally posted to an online Bible Study based on my friend Mike's lesson series on Law and Grace. It tells the story of my "fall to grace".

Who would have expected how my life would change when some pastor from Texas began emailing me his lesson series on the Law? Certainly I didn’t anticipate anything. I’m not even sure that I read all that much of the first one. I read enough to know where Mike’s lessons were headed, and to know I didn’t want to go there. I had debated his type online, I told myself, and I knew their arguments. They were, I thought, all touchy-feely antinomians who were living a weak, emotionally-driven and gutless version of Christianity. They were forever babbling about grace and love in an almost nauseating sort of way. Usually they were just trying to whitewash sin. It was both pitiful and infuriating.

Since I’d spend the last six years or so getting very comfortable in the Reformed Camp, I thought I knew all about grace and about the role of the Mosaic Law in our lives. I also knew, or thought I did, all about legalism through my involvement in homeschooling circles as well as through my study of the Ezzo controversy. Hadn’t God set me free in a few specific areas where I had been legalistic? Didn’t I now have a good grasp of this whole issue? What could Mike, some guy who was obviously not Reformed, and not even a 5-point Calvinist, possibly have to teach me?

There was only one problem with dismissing Mike categorically: I’d already read too much of his stuff online. I had too much respect for how he interacted with the Word. On the one hand, I didn’t want to admit that he could teach error. On the other hand, I didn’t want to admit he could be right. So, for the most part, I ignored his lessons.

I’m not sure what changed, but one day I found myself ready to confront the whole Law/Grace issue. As I started reading the lessons I had been avoiding, it took all my self-control not to send Mike scathing emails demanding, “Well, since Jesus didn’t condemn incest, is it OK now? What about rape---it’s not mentioned in the NT! What about bestiality? Is all this OK now? HUH? HUH? Answer THAT!”

Instead, I kept on reading, studying, and pondering.

The implications of accepting this teaching on the Law struck me. It was both scary and dismaying. Mike was contradicting Reformed Theology---he was disagreeing with the Westminster Confession of Faith! The nerve of him! How arrogant! Yet, if he was right...well, how could my beloved theological system be wrong about something as important as the role of the Law in my life?

Two questions stumped me. My theology books couldn’t answer them to my satisfaction; neither could any of my Reformed friends or anyone I asked online.

1. Where does Scripture indicate that the Law is divided into 3 categories--moral, civil, and ceremonial?

2. Where does Scripture give us the rule for determining to which category a specific law belongs?

It wasn’t just Reformed Theology that was under attack. It was my own system of applying the Law that was being threatened. It was my own way of picking and choosing which of the OT laws I would follow, my own rules, regulations, standards, and convictions---all of this was coming under question. The very way I approached Christianity was on trial. Scary stuff.

The more I read and studied, the angrier I got. What really frustrated me is that I could not refute, from Scripture, what I was reading. The case was too compelling; the Scriptures were too clear. But I felt as if I couldn’t live with the implications of accepting this ---at times it seemed dangerous to me. I was angry at Mike for spreading such a difficult and painful teaching.

So my husband read the lessons. He made my heart soar with hope when he said, “I found some mistakes” and then dashed those hopes when he said, “They were just a couple of typos.” My husband had always believed that he was free from the Law. We had spent much of our marriage debating the issue of the “Christian Sabbath”. I was beginning to see that maybe my husband hadn’t been a flake after all, but actually had a good Biblical case for his freedom.

The intensity of my response to all this came as a surprise to me. I simply couldn’t accept that the way I had been living my Christianity was wrong. I hurt. I was in anguish. I was grieving. I felt desperate. It felt as if I were standing on the edge of a cliff, being urged to jump---and it was all so frightening. I knew that God was there, but I had no idea what He would do. It was as if I were stripped of everything that had once given me confidence.

I finally jumped and cast myself on the mercy of God.

Mike, as well as my husband and friends of mine, had talked glowingly of the freedom there was in Christ. They described how wonderful it was to be set free from the yoke of the Law, how glorious grace was, how joy would come once I realized the full implications of my freedom and liberty.

There was nothing of that for me. The only freedom I experienced was a new, painful clarity that left me feeling like gutter residue. I had failed desperately. I had relied on my own filthy rags in my attempt to please God---certainly not for justification, but as a measuring stick to gauge my own sanctification and as a means of living in relationship to Him and pleasing Him. I had relied on the Law and my own rules, rather than on Him. I had taught error to my children. I had judged others harshly. I had been a sanctimonious, self-righteous, prideful legalist.

This was worse than the struggle that had gone on before. I felt as if I were in free fall. This was bleak despair. I don’t know how long the desperation and pain lasted. A couple of days. It seemed like forever. God was distant. I clung to His Word, but found only more pain in what I read.

Finally something happened.

The Scriptures began to penetrate my heart. My eyes were opened to the fact that I hadn’t been falling---the Everlasting Arms had held me all along. The fear vanished. I began to taste and understand grace. It was glorious, amazing, indescribable.

Theological and doctrinal shifts, it seems to me, shouldn’t be so emotional. I don’t do theology by experience, by throwing myself off imaginary cliffs. But this was more than just the "mind-y" way I had approached my Christianity for the past six years. This truth penetrated to the core of my being. It captured my heart and laid me bare.

Grace---wow! It wasn’t a matter of me saying, “Oh, cool, the doctrines of grace. What a wonderful theology. To think that my salvation was God’s idea all along---amazing!” No, this was much, much more than that. It was so personal. So intense, so intimate. Grace---God’s grace---for me!

I had experienced freedom before, but it was always freedom from something. This is much more than freedom from the bondage of the Law. It is freedom to a newness of relationship with God, a precious and sweet intimacy that is based on a fresh realization of the deeper meaning of what Christ accomplished through His death and resurrection. It is freedom to love others, without judging them for not sharing my convictions and standards. It is freedom to let God be God. It is freedom to experience more of the riches of what He has for us in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:1 became alive for me. “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." No condemnation! That realization has been so freeing in more ways than I can describe. That chapter goes on to talk about what the Law could not do...what only Christ could do and did do...about the glorious, mind-boggling love of God.

That’s the part that really overwhelms me. I am completely shattered and undone by the love of Jesus. It is too much for me. It has broken my heart, but in a good way. One of the wonderful aspects of Reformed Theology is that it gave me such a high view of God and a sense of His awesomeness, power, majesty, holiness---it gave me such a good understanding of my smallness and His greatness, my sinfulness and His perfection. Now, added to that, was the almost unbelievable concept that such a God would love me so much that He would want the intimacy of me calling Him, “Abba! Daddy!” That the Holy and Perfect Son of this Holy and Perfect God loves me so very, very much...it just melts me.

I’ve become convinced that this issue---the role of the Mosaic Law in our lives today---is foundational to our Christianity. Our Faith is not a system of rules; it is a vibrant relationship with the living God who wants us to walk in freedom before Him, relying on His Spirit rather than on our own efforts. Ah, yes...the Holy Spirit. As I’ve been reading and meditating on and devouring the wonderful book of Galatians, I’ve become convinced that being led by the Spirit is the only antidote to both legalism and licentiousness. Just as Galatians 3:3 says, I began in the Spirit, but then tried to live by my own efforts. I stopped being led by the Spirit, but put myself under Law (Galatians 5:18). It's not like the Spirit left me; I just had very little awareness of His presence. Now I’m learning again how to walk in the Spirit...what the Bible means about being filled with the Spirit...how to yield myself more fully. Legalism and walking in the Spirit are so antithetical. How could I have not seen that?

What Mike has been teaching in these lessons isn’t just some side issue, some theological point of interest. It has completely changed the way I relate to God and to others. It has been a rebirth in many respects; those who know me best are simply amazed at the change that God has wrought in me. To know that my Savior set me free not only from the curse of the Law but from the Law itself---to taste that freedom---it is simply too much for me. I never realized before that the love of Christ was this wonderful.