For the whole story, read this, beginning with Part 1. The condensed version can be found in Part 6.
Finally I reached a point where I couldn't fight any more, couldn't argue any more, couldn't resist the truth any more. I let go of everything that was holding me back. It felt like jumping off a cliff and desperately hoping that God would catch me.
Subject: OK, so I jumped
Date: 1/25/99 07:40
I've spent what must rank up there with one of the worst nights of my life. All I can say is that this whole thing stinks.
Oh, yeah, I'm suddenly free---free to realize, with horrible and painful clarity, all sorts of awful things. I've wasted years of my life. I've misled my own children. I've hurt other people. I've been a real jerk.
I feel as if I'm starting over in Remedial Christianity 101. Oh, and all those people I thought were flunking? Turns out they were the ace students and I was the one who had failed dismally. Ouch.
Mike, your message is hard and painful. Probably someday I'll thank you.
God seemed very distant. All I knew is that I couldn't "un-jump". I just hoped for relief, for an end to my pain.