Note to the humor-impaired. The following is a joke. Really. About the only true thing is the first sentence, and the final quote from the same pastor. But the rest of it is admittedly absurd and meant to be funny. In fact, it reminds me of a joke:
Q. How many patriarchs does it take to replace a light bulb?
A. Only a man-hating, ungodly feminist would think that was funny! Stop your male bashing! It's not funny!! Repent!!!
Recently on the internet, I read the following, written by a pastor: "My own thoughts begin with broad shoulders and superior upper body strength when it comes to God’s gifting for the calling of ruling men."
Realizing that I needed to check this out, I immediately called the pastor who had penned these words. He is a kindly, gentle-spirited man who was more than happy to let me know, as nicely as possible, that it did require broad shoulders and superior upper body strength in order to rule men and that, in fact, this was the obvious sign that God had chosen both men in general and a specific man in particular to lead. This was especially true in the Church. Leaders must be strong, manly men. And, he assured me, he was just that sort of man.
I immediately knew what I had to do. Offspring #3, a strapping young man, is always up for a challenge, especially a physical one. He was more than happy to meet with this pastor. Our appointment was that very afternoon.
It turns out that pastor in question is...well, not exactly slim. If his shoulders are broad, it is only because the rest of him is broad. And wide. And deep. But perhaps, underneath all that, lurked a man of superior upper body strength. We were there to find out.
The first test was push-ups. Pastor Un Trim offered to go first. This proved to be more of a challenge than any of us had foreseen. It was sort of like the equivalent of my attempting to do push-ups with a huge, heavy beach ball attached to my stomach. To be polite, we agreed that perhaps push-ups were not the best test. But my son could not resist having me demonstrate how many I could do.
The pastor was aghast. Trying to maintain his gentle composure, he said kindly, but with gritted teeth, "I'm sure there is a Scripture warning women against doing push-ups that pertain to a man. Besides, as your son said, they really don't prove anything."
So it was on to the bench press. Then the shoulder press. Then arm wrestling. By this time, dear Pastor Un Trim was not only drenched in prespiration and completely exhausted, but he was near tears. Just as my son was suggesting another contest, the pastor weakly sighed, "Uncle."
"Huh?" asked my son.
So that's how my thirdborn, at the tender age of 18, became a pastor. It was clear that he possessed the broad shoulders and superior upper body sttrength needed to lead men. All the elders agreed, and they also politely refused to challenge him.
"That must be why," one elder said, "Paul told Timothy not to let others despise his youth. It's hard not to be envious of your strength and youthful vigor."
One of the elders' wives was obviously enjoying all this a bit too much. My son has the bad habit of exercising without his shirt on, and had begun to do so. Everyone watching had put an immediate stop to this, screaming in horror when the pastor began removing his own shirt. Now the elder's wife asked teasingly, "Pastor Un Trim, what was it that you wrote about feminists and chests?"
The dejected pastor quoted himself, "Feminists aren't limited in their rebellion to the commands of Scripture but hate and seek to obliterate even the distinction between man and woman visible on our chests. So sad, really--isn't it?"
"Yes, it is sad," the elder's wife agreed. "And I couldn't help but notice how our new pastor has such a manly chest, but you --- you --- why, you look like a big fat girl! So maybe it's not really the feminists who are trying to obliterate that distinction, huh?"
But all is not lost. Word has it that Pastor Un Trim has been dieting and hitting the gym. In fact, he has challenged my son to a rematch in six months. He figures by then he'll be strong enough to win his pulpit back.
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